Thursday, February 25, 2010

My Liver is Warm and Moist

Several of my correspondents complained bitterly that my last blog wasn’t very funny. “We read this drivel because it is generally humorous. We want more humor. Don’t blather on about numerology, or aviation, or anything like that. We want to know about your suffering, how excruciating it is, and whether or not we can join in at some point with sticks or clubs of some kind. Come on! More humor!” Humor it is, then.

Before the 18th century, illnesses and plagues were far more humorous than they are now. The Greeks and the Romans felt that every malaise was caused by an imbalance between four different kinds of humors: black bile, yellow bile, phlegm, and blood, closely related to four elements of earth, water, fire, and air respectively. If a person had too much of one humor, his whole personality changed. Too much blood, a person was sanguine. Too much phlegm, one was phlegmatic. If you had too much yellow bile, you were choleric. Too much black bile, and you were melancholic. If you had too much of all of these you looked like a post-apocalyptic tick with a goiter problem.

Every part of human existence was governed by these humors:

Humour: Blood, Yellow bile, Black bile, Phlegm
Season: spring, summer, autumn, winter
Element: air, fire, earth, water
Organ: liver, gall bladder, spleen, brain/lungs
Qualities: warm & moist,warm & dry, cold & dry, cold & moist
Ancient name: sanguine, choleric, melancholic, phlegmatic
Modern: artisan, idealist, guardian, rational
Ancient characteristics: courageous, hopeful, amorous; easily angered, bad tempered; Despondent, sleepless, irritable; calm, unemotional

If you have some blood to squander (if not, you can use some of mine), set a cup full in the shade for a while, about an hour. After a bit you will find that the stuff will separate out into the four humors. At the bottom, there will be a great blop of gunk that is, in this system, called “black bile”. Right above that is a mess of red blood cells that is called “blood” (who knew?). Above that layer will be a layer of white blood cells called “phlegm” by the ancients; a “buffy coat” by those in the know. At the top of the liquid will be a clear yellow serum layer, “yellow bile” for those who have been around for more than three hundred years.

If this blog is nothing else, it is educational, even if it is high-handed and wrong-headed. Since this is a blog that is essentially humorous as well, I think that it would be important to the readers to know how they fit into the scheme of things. What follows is an outline of each of the four personalities.


Sanguine (top left)
The Sanguine temperament personality is fairly extroverted. People of a sanguine temperament tend to enjoy social gatherings and making new friends. They tend to be creative and often day dream. However, some alone time is crucial for those of this temperament. Sanguine can also mean very sensitive, compassionate and thoughtful. Sanguine personalities generally struggle with following tasks all the way through, are chronically late, and tend to be forgetful and sometimes a little sarcastic. Often, when pursuing a new hobby, interest is lost quickly--when it ceases to be engaging or fun.

Choleric (top right)
A person who is choleric is a doer. They have a lot of ambition, energy, and passion, and try to instill it in others. They can dominate people of other temperaments, especially phlegmatic types. Many great charismatic military and political figures were cholerics.

Melancholic (bottom right)
A person who is a thoughtful ponderer has a melancholic disposition. Often very kind and considerate, melancholics can be highly creative – as in poetry and art - and can become occupied with the tragedy and cruelty in the world. A melancholic is also often a perfectionist. They are often self-reliant and independent.

Phlegmatic (bottom left)
Phlegmatics tend to be self-content and kind. They can be very accepting and affectionate. They may be very receptive and shy and often prefer stability to uncertainty and change. They are very consistent, relaxed, rational, curious, and observant, making them good administrators and diplomats. Unlike the Sanguine personality, they may be more dependable.

Now if you want to change your personality, all you would have to do is remove some of the excess humor. For a bilious personality, for example, you would need to remove excess bile. In order to do that, the standard practice was to put inverted hot steel cups on your bare skin. If that doesn’t get rid of bad humor, nothing will. In order to reduce sanguinity, removing blood is a good thing. I went in for a therapeutic phlebotomy this last week and will have another in a month. I am going to get to a 47 ferritin count even if it kills me and everyone around me. Note the following personality changes that are sure to accompany this bloodletting:

The Sanguine temperament personality is fairly extroverted: (Don’t expect to see me anytime soon.)

People of a sanguine temperament tend to enjoy social gatherings and making new friends: (I have become a social pygmy and am determined to continue in that vein.)

They tend to be creative and often day dream: (I am sleeping in longer with less guilt.)

However, some alone time is crucial for those of this temperament: (I’ll be thinking of you, probably in desultory terms, however.)

Sanguine can also mean very sensitive, compassionate and thoughtful: (Don’t count on Mr. Nice Guy any time soon.)

Sanguine personalities generally struggle with following tasks all the way through, are chronically late, and tend to be forgetful and sometimes a little sarcastic: (Well, let’s not get carried away here; Chester didn’t take out that much blood!)

Often, when pursuing a new hobby, interest is lost quickly--when it ceases to be engaging or fun: (There better be some nice comments or I’m outta here!)

So, there you have it. More humor about humor than any of you could have possibly desired. As I said above, I will have another pint taken in March and then I am off to my annual visit with “Doc Holliday” where I will be poked, prodded, and punctured. No doubt I will come away with “hot cup” circles everywhere.



4 comments:

shydandelion said...

I think they would have to pump all the blood out of your body for you to cease being sanguine.

You are making headway though, especially will all the hiding you do when the grandkids come to visit. :P

Rebecca said...

that was funny and my co-workers think i'm insane.

Larsens said...

Thanks for the horoscope.

微笑每一天 said...

wonderful...................................................