Thursday, June 17, 2010

Kidney Me Not; Part One

I came away from my last visit with “Doc Wurlitzer” in May somewhat morose. I had hoped to find out what was up with my kidneys and what I could do about it. In my attempt to bring the good doctor up to speed, I rattled on for almost 30 minutes explaining my medical history as I understood it. I can only remember three things that he said on that occasion.

1. “That’s nice.”
2. “Give blood and other bodily fluids.”
3. “See you next month.”

The only other sound that I heard was “Ka-ching!”

I went down to the lab where a vicious little vixen nearly amputated my arm trying to get blood. I was also given rather exacting specific instruction regarding the manner in which I should donate my “other bodily fluid” (henceforth to be known as “OBF”). There was no chattiness, no humor, no faint hint of a rumor of friendliness, and not even a glimmer of a possibility of a smile. I was in the stainless steel medical version of Purgatory (or worse). All this in American Fork, Utah, the most cheerful little town in the northern hemisphere. I decided that the next time I went to visit the Grand Siete, I would get what I wanted.

Last Monday at 11:30 in the Provo office I was to meet with Doc Wurlitzer again, as requested in his third utterance above. When I arrived at the desk, I pulled out my appointment card.

“Is your address still 10345 West 20190 North in Panquitch, Utah?”

“I don’t think so,” I replied.

“Who are you again?”

“Dr. Zaphod Beeblebrox”.

“Snorquel Fortenbras?”

“No, Zaphod Beeblebrox”.

“Hortenfrax Snurflhwbbetnmomrtn?” she queried with a puzzled look.

“No. Trying using the spelling on the card,” I said.

“Oh…! Right…!” She pattered away on her computer for a while. “You aren’t in here. Are you a new patient?”

“No,” I said, “I’m rather an old one. I filled out my paperwork almost three months ago in this very office. I met last month with “Doc Wurlitzer” in the Omericon Fark office.” I hoped that my employing the Utah Valley dialect would facilitate matters.

She immediately went into some sort of confab with her fellow receptionists and for about six and a half minutes I was on tenterhooks while they attempted to find out who and what I was. Finally she came back to the counter.

“Dr. Beeblebrox?”

“I think that would be me.”

“Norgleburt Beeblebrox?”

“No, Zaphod. Norgleburt is my second cousin nine times removed. Everyone confuses us with each other. Don’t feel bad, it has been going on for decades.”

“OH! I see now. Is your address still 1842 South Felenctrum Way, Sea of Tranquility, Moon?”

“Close enough.”

“Okay. If you will just take a seat, the nurse will be with you shortly.”

A while later a sweet young thing ushered Trillium and me into an examining room where she took my blood pressure. “120 over 84. Is that about right?”

“Well, day before yesterday it was 90 over 73.”

“You’re an excitable sort when you visit the doctor’s office, huh?”

“Yes he is,” replied Trillium.

15 comments:

Trillium said...

This girl was an "extern." She avoided telling us what she was being trained to be. Was she ashamed????

Another thing: Zaphod was chattering away as she took his blood pressure. Talking makes your BP go up. Ideally, the patient should sit quietly for five minutes before the BP is taken, but his BP was taken as soon as he sat down. I know, this happens all the time in every doctor's office. Obviously, all doctor's office BP readings should be taken with a grain of salt.

Trillium said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rebecca said...

so... no word on the status of your Kidneys?

Katscratchme said...

Ha! Ha!
Too funny!

Zaphod said...

Yes there is, but I am going to drag it out. It's a slow news month.

Chris said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Chris said...

Yeah, I remember on one routine visit to the doctors office there was this new doctor that came in to see me. I noticed that his name tag did not have M.D., but instead had P.A. I asked him what it meant. After he told me, I almost asked him why he didn't want to become a "real doctor", but I held my tongue. But, either he read my mind, or gets that asked alot, so he proceeded to tell me that he likes being a P.A. instead of an M.D. because he can still act like a doctor, but not be responsible for any mistakes he might make. I was like... zuh? Get me out of here!!!

shydandelion said...

Ha ha ha! Yeah, that's how they always do my blood pressure when I go to the doctor. Silly nurses...

Yes, more news on the kidneys!

Judie said...

OK....don't drag this on too much or I will have to call you to get the news. I know it's slow, but you are able to draw things out anyway, so why not just get started bro? And what are the comments that are deleted?????

Zaphod said...

If you check the times of the deletions and compare with the times of the other comments you will discover who deleted what. My family is paranoid about mispelling words in public. Who knew?

Rusted Nut said...

Just thinking ~ it must be tough on a guy living in the jungles of American Fork with names like Norgleburt for relatives. So rest up man and enjoy the slow news month while it lasts. We want you in tip top shape for next month!

王雅婷 said...

人生都有不如意的時候~ 但你的BLOG帶給大家愉快的心情.................................................................

姜志銘 said...

要照顧身體歐~保重......................................................................

江婷 said...

Poverty is stranger to industry..................................................................                           

峻龍 said...

河水永遠是相同的,可是每一剎那又都是新的。......................................................................